Shy Class

What am I doing well:
-Storytelling – really puts the reader into the story and makes them feel involved in the happenings
-Use of adjectives – allows the reader to be part of the situation by imagining it as close to its actuality
-Describing the people by way of showing the reader how they act – they do not need to come to the dental office for me to tell them exactly how everyone is

What doesn’t work and why:
-Paragraph structure and length – I think it is going to end up being too long, an essay that is short enough to read within five minutes is one that will captivate your audience more than one that is lengthy.
-Sentence structure – everything is simple and compound sentences as of now, I need to put some of those together to create more complex forms of sentences.
-Direction – I do not know where to go with the story after everyone is described, I don’t know what the final point is going to be.
-Thesis – do we need a thesis? How would I implement a thesis into the story?

Audience and Purpose:
After having written this draft has the purpose or audience changed from last week to now? Articulate who or what your audience has become and if your purpose has changed please describe.
Yes, my audience seems to have changed. Rather than using middle-class society as my audience I am directing this story right at our class. This essay is not meant to be published in some journal or online in a blog that over a million people visit a day, this essay was meant to be read by my classmates and Professor Scott. It would be much easier to revise it with those people in mind rather than middle-class America. Although the audience has changed, the purpose has not. I still believe that the purpose of my essay is to describe to you all what happens in a dental office behind the scenes.

Up-draftability:
What needs to be changed in order for me to fix this essay up is what else I need to write into it needs to be added, then as I start revising I need to fix paragraph and sentence structure to make it look and feel like a final draft. After doing so I may start my edits.